Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I checked into jail on foursquare
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
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