Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
