I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
