If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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