Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize
