Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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