hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
