im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Randomize
