did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
