I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
