Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
