I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
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