This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
last night I used snow as a chaser
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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