I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Randomize
