i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
