I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
