I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
