My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I am available for nakedness
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
