I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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