Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
