It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Randomize
