If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
