I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Randomize
