Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Randomize
