I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
