One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
My dick has a subreddit
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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