blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
