She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
