well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
