I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Enjoy the penises
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
