I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
