someone get that fucking seahorse.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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