I'll bet she douches with gravy.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
