Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
His hands were made for my vagina.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
