Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
