He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
