this beer tastes like vomit already
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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