he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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