thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
