What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Just invented taco cereal.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
