direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
