Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
