My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
