yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
two words: eviction party
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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