how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
