shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
ok first of all what the fuck
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
