I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
