remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
