I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Randomize
