Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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