I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
