Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
