I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
