How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
